Dreams

Come meet me in my dreams,
On soft pillows and silky sheets...
Meet me between sweetened fantasies
Of you and me, wrapped tightly in each other's
Dreams, each other's arms, each other's sins...
Because it is between these dreams
That I can show you, dear,
Exactly just how much you mean
To a silly-sleepy girl like me.

Stars

I look at the sky with tears in my eyes and I feel small.
My problems, insignificant, my worries remnant from a time
In which all was still possible-- all was a fantasy and graspable!
I look at the sky and feel so small, worthless,
And in the grand scheme of things the world wouldn't stop
If my heart stopped singing for a while...
And I can't help but feel that one will make a difference
And my rivers would become one with the silence..
But with tears in my eyes, I can see Orion,
My dearest friend whom I can always cry on..
And he comforts me as he climbs through the sky
Telling me "Darling don't cry, you have to be low
Before you are high, so keep your tears for you
Cannot yet die."

Flick

Each flick of the wrist unleashes a world of wonder,
And each river draws its fate on the snow...
Things will get better, I'm told. No proof.
But all I do know is my wasted youth
Will pave the pathway to nowhere,
A cemetery, a party of bones..
Maybe then I'll be skinny...
Maybe then I'll be thin..
And maybe then he will love me
Just like I care for him.
Each flick of the wrist splits unnecessary skin,
And each river carves away more hurt,
More reminders of flaws.
Ironic how each flick of the wrist carves more
Imperfections into an imperfect skin,
And each flick should erase these carvings..
But there's no god anymore,
And before he left he cursed me.
And it seems like no amount of blood pouring
Could carve my body to be good enough,
Thin enough or my mind sharp enough,
My heart strong enough
To be good enough
For him.

Darkness

There's this darkness that comes on the horizon in waves so tall...
And when they smash upon my head - sparks fly ahead
As if to warn the future of this dreadful wave...
And there's this sadness that comes from above
Like lightning, hitting my soul,
And each time it hits, it splits me in four...
One for you, one for him, one for her, one for all.
And this darkness, these demons eat my wings,
And cut me down to size, smaller than I have ever been!
I am forced to submit to their will, to their shouts,
And at their hands I am powerless, pathetic, and lost...
So they drown me in my blood, in your blood,
So there's no way out, and I lie on the floor thinking,
Singing to myself about seeing the moon,
About being free under the moonlight, everlong.
But they come again, when the wave ends there's a time
Of strength, of brief bliss when all heals...
Just long enough for the wounds to close,
For me to smile wholeheartedly,
For me to cling to you and listen to your heartbeat,
And there's a brief moment, seconds, in which all is well...
When nothing is wrong, when no voice tells me
How worthless I am, and how hopeless I am,
And there's no voice telling me endlessly
Exactly how I should close my curtains,
How the fat lady should sing,
And exactly what to tell you when I leave...
There's no voice, for a moment, that reminds me
Of how I'm holding you back-- of how you could do better.
And in that moment, things aren't bitter,
And in that moment, things are sweeter...
And in that moment, I'm fearful...
Because I know that when I blink,
It will be over and that wave...
That darkness will come again
And descend upon my heaven
And turn it to hell.

I lived a good life excerpt

When I met her she was so damaged and so beautiful. Now that I look back at this relationship, I didn’t stand a chance. She was this smart girl stuck in the wrong gears, in this loveless relationship in which he treated her like dirt and she didn’t think there was anything better. The first night we met, we left the party, and stayed up the entire night talking about our lives and our darkest secrets. We shared things with each other than we kept secret with everyone else, and a strange part of me seemed to remember her as if she was the girl I have searched for my entire life. I didn’t feel so empty anymore. We immediately made another date for the second night and spent another night talking and sharing cell phone numbers and beginning a long ( I mean LONG) relationship of texts and calls and (in the beginning) dates.

Everything she did in her childhood I had done. Everything she experienced, I had experienced. Everything she dreamed, I dreamed. Everything she read, I read. She was my counterpart, my perfect puzzle piece and since I noticed that, I found myself becoming very much attached to this girl that just needed someone to hold her and tell her that even if her life sucked in the past, it will be better in the future.  So phone call after phone call, text after text, email after email, I fell in love with how happy she sounded when I called her, how much she smiled when we saw each other, and even how guilty she was when she slipped off the proverbial wagon and thought I would leave her.

When I met her, she was this broken kid who woke up knowing that day will be the day she dies. Every morning she’d try to convince herself that the pain was going to end soon and all would be okay and she lived her life expecting it to end, needing it to end. But it didn’t. And then I came along and wouldn’t let that happen. The more she told me she wasn’t worth loving, the more I loved her and wanted her to see how worthy she was of love. She used to pull me to her sometimes, and search my pockets for anything that would take the pain away- cigarettes, chocolate, pain meds, etc. Most often she took some of my migraine medication and I never knew what she expected to find in my pockets, so I started surprising her. I started to carry small things in my pockets to cheer her up: small pieces of candy, glass figurines, and sometimes, rarely, jewelry. I never bought her a ring though, maybe I should have. Each time she’d find what I bought her, her green eyes would light up and the light inside her would shine through, making me fall more in love with her. I became addicted to her in the worst kind of way- the impossible to deny –novel/movie- once in a lifetime -kind. 

I Loved Her

     I loved her in the most toxic ways possible.
     I loved her when she loved me, when all was well and she would pull me to her and ask me silly things like if I loved her, or if she was beautiful. I loved her when she'd bolt out of the shower wrapped in my towel and left wet footprints on my hardwood floors. I loved her when she dropped her towel in front of the bed, threw herself under the covers next to me, and cling to me to absorb my warmth. I loved the stubborn way in which she'd argue with me that she was right even when she knew she wasn't. I loved her when she was mine, late at night, hiding from her demons in my bed, after a few glasses of chocolate milk when she'd tell me stories about her childhood. I loved her despite the darkness she cloaked herself in, despite the twinkle of hatred in her eyes when she'd tell herself she's stupid, despite the track marks on her arms, despite her scars and lines... and most of all, I loved her despite her efforts to make me run away.
     I loved her when she didn't love me, when she wasn't mine. When she'd tell me about the nights she spent with whomever she loved, when she'd tell me that this was the one that would make all her problems go away. I loved her when she forced me to like them, when she defended them against me, and when she chose them over me. I loved her when she called me mean and told me that I don't know what I'm talking about. I loved her when she convinced herself that these guys could handle her in the long run and how she'd change for the better if they loved her. I loved her when they'd break her heart and she would come to me crying and bleeding, telling me this one was the last one, telling me she wouldn't survive the night. Oh how I loved her then.
     I loved her most when she bled and cried because it was then that I hoped, while nursing her wounds, that she would realize she loved me too, but she never did. And so I loved her, still, in the most toxic ways.

Druggie

You're just my brand of heroin - without you I get itchy...

My eyes are blood shot and I can't sleep,

My mouth is dry and I can't breathe...

I can't sit still and pray for death, your withdrawal is killing me!

I can't seem to kick you, darlin', I need another fix...
And each time I try to detox
You come back and pull me in.
I wish that I could fight you, darlin', but each time you call, I come...
I'm like a druggie with my arm out,
I'm like a desperate fucked up druggie
Always pining for your love.
And the worst part of it all, dear,
Is that I can't get enough...
And each time I feel the need, still,
I put my arm out, and pull you in.

You

In my most vivid dreams I did not dream you up,
And in my passionate prayers I did not pray for you...
I spent my falling stars on trivial pursuits,
And on my new years eves I hoped for something new.
But in my dreams and prayers I asked like such a child,
For something to fill the hole I feel inside...
And on my stars and eves I asked with foolish pride
For someone I'd deserve and someone who deserves,
And in all my poetry I did not write you up.

Despite my foolishness, despite my childish dreams,
Life gave me something that is plainly seen:
It gave me you, my dear, my blessing in disguise,
And in this fucked up life, I found my fight...
Despite me asking for what I did not need,
Life gave me you and satisfied my plead
So for as long as needed, I will stand by you
And I will hold you to me, and finally be at peace.

Each Time

Each time you go, I feel as if the tide has gone as well,
As if the morning sun will never reach my hell,
I feel as if this nightmare has no end,
And feel this darkness swell beneath my skin.
Each time you say goodbye I feel my legs
Give in, and have the feeling
My house of cards is to collapse
All over me, and bury me in rubble...
Each time you leave I feel myself give in
To the most primal urges of my ancestors...
I am reduced to a child in need of nurturing..
And every time you leave, I want you more.

More

I love you more, now, than ever before...
More than there are stars in the dark night sky...
More than there are grains of sand upon the earth
And more than there are drops of water in the oceans.
I love you more, now, than anyone before...
More than people have remained on earth..
More than there are atoms all around us
And much more than you can imagine.