Sideways

When did it all go so sideways in my life?
I used to be so good, so kind, so full of light...
I used to sing and dance and be full of giddy merriment.
When did I begin to kneel and pray at bloody altars,
And sing the praise of demons I once feared?
When did I fall in strange beds full of promises
Of heaven that was built on burning hell?
When did I begin to slice my skin in crimson ribbons
And carve into myself the sigils of lost love,
When did it all go so sideways in my life
That I would be as broken and not whole?
When did I begin to cry myself to sleep
Or else I'd toss and turn all night,
Or search for meaning between so many thighs,
When did I start preferring fingers on my throat
To squeeze until they silence all the hurt?
When did I sell my soul to Lucifer himself
For one single spark of love and help,
When did the devil become my only hope
Of something normal, something strong like rope
To wrap around my neck and around my arms and legs,
Suspend me from the ceiling for himself
To enjoy, use, and abuse...
When did it all become so twisted and so sick
To moan the names that fill me full of mud and ink
Until a thousand lights flash across my eyes
And I see the light I used to keep inside.