Reassurance 7.11.17

I need the most juvenile type of reassurance...
That what happened isn't just a spark of memory,
Isn't just the fabrications of a longing soul.
I need arms wrapped tightly around me again,
Soft lips in my ears promising me paradise,
I need confirmation that what I have known
Is what you also swam through.

I need you to silence all my doubts

That what I left behind was also what you felt,

That you lost yourself between my arms

As easily as I have lost myself in yours.

I need the reassurance that this wasn't just me,

That I have not endured this torture on my own,

I need to feel your lips pressed against my skin,

I need to mark you with sweet poetry

Until your skin is dark and bruised and mine,

And you can't erase the feel of time,

For I need you to confirm that you were mine

And mine alone, no faking, no more lying...

I need the most juvenile type of reassurance,

Because I'm afraid that once I board this plane

Once I turn my back, you'll never be mine again.

No Words

You've shut down all poetry.
With my lungs on fire
I cannot bring myself
To write a single line.
I have no words,
For they are spent
Trying to rationalize
This mess you got us in
By pulling back,
By pulling at my seams
Once I finally managed
To knit myself together...
And I didn't expect this from you,
Not that you are the one at fault
You may not be blamed for this now...
This one's on me.

Chaos

I live for chaos,
When those terrifying waves hit 100 feet
And come rushing at me pushed by the wings
Of monsters lost at sea I grin and bear my teeth,
I bury my wet feet into the sand beneath
And prepare my soul for what's about to come.
When the sky turns black from that shiny blue
Obedient storm clouds begin to line,
Begin to crack their knuckles and slap their shields,
Begin to throw sharp lightning from their fingertips...
That war cry that thunders through my bones
Is what keeps me laughing, is what makes me whole..
And I know you said about some quiet port,
But I don't know how to turn this boat around
When there's no more wind...
When the sky is clean of burning stars...
When there is no direction and no sun to guide.
I don't know how to find my way to that fantasy
When there's nothing around to guide me.

Sleep

Sleep has been an elusive mistress since I came home,
And I always seem to glimpse her leaving my bed...
Her undulating hips, her playful tousled hair,
She doesn't seem to mind leaving me behind
Alone, tangled in my tear soaked sheets,
Flipping through my pillows for one you didn't see,
For one soft inch of bed that doesn't scream your name
Or one goddamn night where I don't reach for you.
She always seems to slither from my bed
At half past four am or two, or three, or eight...
It doesn't seem to matter that I'd like to hold her there
For one more taste, one touch, one sultry stare...
She doesn't seem to care that I'd like to snuggle her,
Or cuddle, nuzzle, kiss, and whisper poetry...
She lets me gather one, two hours at a time,
Then drips between my arms, between my fingertips,
Leaving me alone with your haunting memory.
I don't know what to tell her, to keep her in my bed,
I don't know what to promise or vow to her instead,
I'd like to tell her that she and I are true,
That in a few weeks I'll stop reaching for you..
She doesn't seem to care, and when I close my eyes,
She watches me obediently for any signs of longing,
She pulls me from my coma, your name still on my lips
And slithers from my bed between wet, begging lids.

Your Words

You have a lovely way with words
In ways I've never known...
My breath gets caught between my teeth,
And there is silence 'neath my ribs
For you have quieted my fears
With just your words.
The stars have draped across the skies
Out of your mouth never come lies
And you looked great between my thighs,
But here we are.
You have such a way with words
That you would never have to hurt--
My skin with a touch of yours
Words are enough.
And sometimes they feel like a slap,
Like you force me to my knees
And watch me crumble, beg, and bleed
Because you ripped my fantasy...
All was a lie.
Your words hurt like rusty knives
Where they bury in my life,
Where they leave those bloody gashes
And turn all my hopes to ashes...
You're just so skilled.

Tick Tock

I'm floating in a sensory deprivation chamber
With nothing to keep me company but my thoughts,
My thoughts that circle like carrion birds
Ready to sink their rotting beaks into my soul...
And I can't seem to fight the silence
Of the nothingness that I am floating in,
And I return to you as in a dream,
Effortlessly and thirsty for one more fantasy.
There's silence here still, and I am worried...
Because there's nothing scarier than all the words unsaid
By you, by me, by either one of us...
Words sitting sharply on the tip of my tongue
Ready to slice like razor blades
Through all that I'm too terrified to say.
There's so much fear that courses through my veins,
Pulling at my seams unraveling...
But it's just me and the silence of the clock...
Never moving forward and never moving back...
Tick tock. Tick. Tock.

Where

I'm not sure where I am,
Where are you?
Are you also sitting at the edge
Of what is and could be,
With your legs dangling over possibilities?
Where am I?
Are we in the same space?
Or am I stuck inside some twisted loop
In which you don't care?
Or do you care?
Are you confused?
I am.
Where am I? Where are you?

Punishment

I don't know how not to punish you
For your curiosity, for stepping out of bounds,
For hunting for your chance to grasp
The heaven I can hide behind...
And I don't blame you, dear,
For not holding on blindly, foolishly,
To something that can easily leave behind
Any and all once she has made her mind,
And I don't blame you for not grasping at fog,
For I am nothing more than a mushroom cloud.
And I don't know how not to punish you
For something I'd encourage you to do...
For something I'd want you to search and find,
For feeling like you're leaving me behind.
And I can't help but pull away from where we touch,
From where our seams overlap, fron where our lips collide
And I want nothing more than to run and hide,
Pretend none of this matters, that I am just a storm,
That you're a quiet port that I can just run from,
But I don't know where I sit or stand,
But I'm floating away... I cannot touch the sand.

Ruin

I'm afraid that I will ruin you,
For I have ruined every saint I've touched...
They've sold their soul for their chance
To see the gates of Heaven in their grasp.
I've made a thousand deals at a thousand crossroads
Each signed in promises of love...
I can deliver on the oaths I make,
And help you reach whatever gate you'd like...
But I'm full of worry and now I'm full of doubt
That I will surely ruin more than I build up.

Concerns

The words that have not yet been said
Are almost as sweet as what has been whispered,
Between the promise of tenderness
And the deliverance of pure ecstasy
Lies the untainted ocean of intimidating agony.
Which beach do you lie on,
And on which border do you lay your head?
Are you also swimming in a thousand words
Left unsaid, un-whispered, un-thought?
There's the promise of Heaven between
My parting lips, and with every breath
That you moan I can bring you closer to home,
Closer to everything you never have known...
But the Hell inside my crumbling bones
Makes me weary of placing you on a throne
Based on lust and on crashing waves of our trust,
There's concern that the price for your ticket to Heaven
Is the much worked on friendship between us.

Off the Cliff

I'm hanging off a cliff by bloodied fingertips
And I can feel myself losing my grip,
I'm clawing at the edge to keep myself
From falling to my death in this abyss.
There's an echo of a scream or a moan
Floating through my head, all alone
And I'm struggling as if swimming in foam
To keep my grip at the edge of this world.
I can feel the strain in the tips of my fingers
As they dig into the edge of this shrine,
My nails are coated in the rose soaked shine
And the scent of your body still lingers.
There's the taste of your tongue on my mouth,
And I still feel the ghost of your touch,
Your fingers left marks as they dug through my thoughts
And I left mouth-shaped wounds on your skin.
I'm holding on with both hands to the edge,
And I'm suspended from your blood colored lips,
One word from your mouth and I'll let myself down,
I will throw all my cards in the game.
I'll swan dive off the curve of your sweet Cupid's bow
And I'll land oh so soft in your arms,
I am small and afraid of the word you will say
To relinquish your lips from my grasp.

Drumming

It is now the time to be quiet and be still,
Lay your weary head upon my trembling breast
And listen for a moment to the crashing waves
That fill my veins and head again and again.
Thoughts race by too fast and the tongue is dumb,
Too eager to let loose all that keeps it numb
Without a second thought, without seeing the end,
It does not know the burden of keeping quiet, friend.
I'm not sure where I stand, not sure of where I sit,
Or where I'm walking to or where I'll even sleep...
I wonder though, if the drumming on my skin
Are thoughts from you or what I keep locked in?

Waking

I keep waking in the middle of the night
A hand outstretched,  looking for you...
I don't understand or know or like
This feeling of weakness
You've instilled in me.
I keep looking up expecting your smiling face,
Or when my phone goes off to see your texts...
I feel this constant ache and this constant  stress
To be nearby in your warm embrace.
I keep waking up with your taste on my tongue
And I can't fathom how you're not around,
How I can stretch my arm and wait for my palm
To touch your soft skin and your giant paw.

Sleepy

Your shirt tossed on my sheets when I'm not around
Leads to better dreams of you wrapped around me,
Better fantasies of how you feel so warm,
So soft and strong under my wet tongue...
It leads to innocence and things left in darkness,
Of strong, eager hands pulling me apart and
Deep commanding voice telling me to stand...
Still the sweetest moment all wrapped in your arms.

Five More Minutes

I woke with the scent of you lingering upon my skin,
A most comfortable shawl pulled across my shoulders,
My only thought was wrapping your arms around
And sinking deeper into sleepy comfort.
I woke with the taste of your tongue on my lips,
The silkiest drag across my collar bones,
The grazing of teeth across the softest skin,
And all I want is five more minutes of you.
I woke to the warmth of your chest pressed into my back,
The weight of your face pressed between my shoulder blades
The sound of inhaling me into your lungs,
And all I can think of is those beautiful hands.
I woke with the hard lines of your body pushed into me,
The grip of your fingertips on my thighs leaving marks,
The soft growl whispered hot to my ear
And I just need five more minutes to dream.

Promises

Hasty lips give way to trembling finger tips
That carve carelessly upon my hips
The promises of more of what this is:
A second chance at following these dreams.
Long, 'awkward' limbs push away the fears
And wrap around like terrifying spears
And feel like they've held me for a thousand years
Like determined bars from my gilded cage.
Shaky breath carves symbols on my neck,
Symbols that will always threat to wreck
The safety inside my silky deck,
And this is something I will not forget.
Hasty lips give way to trembling promises
That carve carelessly upon my crimson lips
The promises of more of what this is:
Pure ecstasy.

Tremble

Trembling fingers wander carefully along my skin
As if the pads could leave behind deep purple marks,
As if the touch could burn my flesh to ashes,
As if trembling lips could never follow exact paths.
Rushing breath pushes my hair away
And silky strands give way to wandering hands,
To eyes that blink too fast, to lips that moan and gasp,
To waves of fire and ice between your hips and trembling lips
Like avalanches of desire that flood through us.
Unsure actions that ask for permission each inch they travel,
As if the border crossing between my shoulders and my hips
Would be the cause of great offense,
As if I'd stop you from discovering the scars along my skin,
The marks from wear and tear that I keep covered still,
The blood sacrificed tattoos upon my flesh,
The way I fold and bloom at your slightest touch.
Emboldened lips move quickly down my neck,
Teeth grazing the soft skin that never bruises,
Fingers pulling tightly at my flesh
As if I could be absorbed inside your bones
If you just pull me hard enough.
The softest tongue carves runes upon my chest,
It pulls and draws the marks from neck to waist,
He buries fingertips between my trembling thighs
And asks again, for visas to these lands
As if I ever even stood a chance.