Letter to no one

I am better.
I laugh and smile and joke around like all the normal people do
Because I am better. I fall in love with random strangers,
Even if for a solitary moment in time, because I am better.
Nowadays it is not until after I've had a couple of drinks
Or until after the night has long since passed its prime
That tears slide down my cheeks.
It's not until the moon is setting that I wonder how it would feel
To slide the red-hot blade upon my flesh
And succumb to the black hole that grows inside me...
And yet, I have survived.
Unlike you, I do not have the luxury of tapping up a vein and
Hooking myself up to an endless stream of numbing joy that takes away
My fears, my hurt, my worries. I have no such luxury because
I must be strong. If not for me then you, of course. I have to fight
The urge to write you letters on my flesh
With the only pen that never runs out of ink because
You will never be around to read them.
I have to remain conscious of how I often need to wear revealing clothing
Since it can be hot here in the desert, and I cannot write you s.o.s. in red
On the inside of my thigh, or on the inside of my arm.
I cannot write you another word since now I am better.
Now I am stronger than I have been before and I,
I am much better than I was the last time you promised me the moon.
Nowadays, I smile more often, wholeheartedly too.
I don't have to fake my smiles every day because there are faithful warriors
That stand at my side and protect my heart.
I have gladiators that pull at my shields and turtle around me
To fight off the arrows of regret that are aimed towards my soul.
I now have jesters at my disposal to bring a genuine smile to my lips
As if my twitching flesh pulls in tune with the strings of their souls.
I have an army at my beck and call because that was what I needed when
You abandoned me.
An army of Romans and Greeks, of Trojans and Soviets, of demons and angels because
I. Am. Loved.
Never will I allow your spies to pour poison in my ear for I am not Hamlet's dead father
But I am a woman of character and immeasurable strength.
I am a warrior in my own power and I am better.
My blood may flow freely like the Nile once did, down the sands of time
And the grains of my sandless skin but it will do so because I willed it to do so
Not because I have succumbed to what you have turned me into.
You infected me, injected me with elements and poisons from your book of lies,
And watched amused as I fell to my knees at your feet, grasping for air,
Begging for a pen to slam into my chest and de-collapse my lungs
But you did turn your back and walked away...
You drank the water you could have used
To cool the flames inside my soul and rid me of your memory.
You turned and walked a thousand miles in no one's shoes but your expensive ones,
Then at the end, turned to wave at me like an old friend.
I burned that night and each one after,
With the heat of a billion burning stars that light the desert sky and somehow,
Despite immolating I am better.
I laugh and smile and joke around like all the normal people do because
I put out the fire in my soul. I am better.
I fall in love with random strangers, even if for a solitary moment in time,
And they are forever sketched inside the walls of my skull awaiting praise and shrines.
I reach for my army of warriors and I know I will never be as alone as I am when I'm with you...
Because I am better, despite you not caring anymore...